at least for today.

i received my result for my finals a few days ago and it's higher than i could ever imagine. the thing that has been bothering me for a few months has resolved. my family is doing better. my friends are happier. amidst all these good things happening, why am i still sad? am i simply ungrateful or is that just basically my personality? does me being a sad person justify my feelings? or at least does it validate how i actually feel? why can't i have things my way? at least for today? to everyone else, it's one of the days in our existence when we want to feel happier than the days before and days after. unreasonably happier. unjustified. unexplained. it just feels like how its supposed to be but ironically to me, this day in particular is the only day in every year where i can be sad. unjustified. unexplained. today i woke up feeling terribly hollow and empty, the same feelings i brought to bed with me the night before. well, that's probably because it's today. that it'll probably be different tomorrow. today i woke up feeling encouraged to die despite all the wishes i've read through and thorough, encouraging me to do the opposite of how i feel -  to be happier, to be contented, to be healthy, to be better, to live. albeit the amount of thank you(s) i sent back to them, none really meant anything. but that is probably because it's today. that it'll probably be different tomorrow. today i started my day alone and sad. invalidated and i refuse to explain. if i'm naturally a sad person, it makes so much more sense that today weighs heavier than any other day every year. just how i was born. alone. sad. but tomorrow will probably be different. i will maybe be happier tomorrow. happier to live. grateful to have survived today each and every year til the hours i'm left with expires. but for today, it'll be a little different. at least for today. at least i'll let it be that way. happy d-day to Erra.