bad again.

Everything that happens to me never really gets better. It just gradually worsens every single time I feel like I'm finally getting the hang of it. The revival phase in personal life dramas is just an illusion when every snag afterward subsequently puts more weight than the one before. Every time I was able to finally stand up again, life in such cunning way knocks me hard. Each and every time I thought I had raised my guard up pretty well, life never fails to pull a joke on me. Just when I thought things couldn't get worse, life never fails to amuse me. My state right now could possibly be the worst I've ever been in, worst enough to not being able to tell anyone without ending up in self-pity or even much terrible destructive breakdowns. I am constantly left alone with my own thoughts as if we were separated beings as if both of us is at war with each other. My mind won't ever let me be, my insides feels like they're all tied up in knots, my anxiety feels like sitting on a chair balancing on one tip and it never stops. Despite my endless chain of troubles, I wouldn't mind so much if it doesn't lead up to hurting other people but chances are when I'm hurting, I'll definitely end up hurting those around me as well. My words, my attention, my actions, it'll all fail on me. It eats me up, I become a whole different person, though I'm not certain of what I deviate from. My state scares me. I'm afraid of myself. What am I becoming? Which part of me am I losing?  Who am I failing?